


my youth is yours

by ThunderstormsandMemories



Category: Friends at the Table (Podcast)
Genre: Background Hadrian/Rosana, Canon Non-Binary Character, Childhood Friends, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Other, background mutual pining Throndir/Red Jack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 16:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17687228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThunderstormsandMemories/pseuds/ThunderstormsandMemories
Summary: in which Blue J. and Benjamin grow up together, fall in love, and have a series of confused conversations with parental figures about what to do about it





	my youth is yours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bipolyjack](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bipolyjack/gifts).



> a Secret Samol gift for bipolyjack, who asked for Blue J. and Benjamin growing up together and slowly falling in love at the last university, I hope you enjoy it!!!

Some days, when he’s feeling lost and hungry, or hungrier than usual, since everyone is always hungry these days, Benjamin wonders what’s so worth it about love. His father disappeared, and now his mother is sad, in a bone-deep way she tries to hide by keeping as busy as possible, but really, it wouldn’t matter much if she let it show because everyone here is miserable in their own way.

He’s glad he doesn’t have very many of those days. And that when he does his mother and Blue J. are always there for him anyway. When he’s in a less bleak mood, he knows that that’s exactly why his mother keeps busy, why she always has a smile ready for whoever needs it. His father raised him to be strong, and he remembers his father’s strength, the quiet certainty he drew from his faith. He thinks now that his mother has always been the stronger of the two of them, and wonders how much of his faith always came from her rather than his god.

Benjamin remembers the church in Velas. Not well, not all the details, but he remembers that it was big, in an imposing kind of way, and he remembers the tone of the sermons he heard there. His mother, though, talks about community more than she talks about Samothes, and definitely with greater reverence, and building a place like this out of nothing, with nothing but hope and her bare hands and the help of her friends.

He sits a few rows from the front—not all the way in the back, he might be rebellious and thirteen but he still doesn’t like disappointing his mother—with Blue J. beside him, and he leans his head on Blue J.’s shoulder and thinks about the pact they’d made, clasping hands and vowing to keep their underground hideout a secret, a space just for them, and he thinks he understands.

There isn’t much here to be sure of, when there’s not even the certainty of enough food to last through another year, but his friendship with Blue J. is something he can count on. Blue J. is someone he can count on, and their friendship is solid and real enough that when they’re together Benjamin feels safe, catches himself thinking that they could build a life, a future, together like this. Blue J. falls asleep halfway through the sermon—probably stayed out too late last night practicing with Throndir’s bow—and Benjamin smiles fondly and stays as still as possible to let Blue J. get some rest.

After the service, he helps his mother clean up and he asks her about love. She sets down the tarnished candlestick she was polishing and says, voice light and teasing, “Now I know you’re not paying attention. That’s what I spent the last half hour talking about.”

“I do pay attention,” he protests, because he does, mostly. He hasn’t brought a book with him to read instead in _weeks_ , and if sometimes he misses what was said because he got distracted by something Blue J. said or the way Blue J. has a special smile for him and no one else, that was none of his mother’s business.

His mother ruffles his hair and laughs, and she says, “Then what’s this about?”

He hesitates, because he isn’t entirely sure what he’s asking or why, only that he needs to know. And none of the books on magic from the university library have explained to him how to make sense of feelings. “How did you know,” he says, “when you feel in love with Dad?”

“Oh,” his mother says, and she hugs him, and he can tell it’s because whatever she was expecting him to say, it wasn’t this. “I don’t think I did,” she says, “not at first. And neither did he, but he always did take a while to realize things like that.” She smiles softly, like she’s remembering a private joke that she doesn’t share with him, and then she says, “Your father likes to say words like dedication and devotion and duty when what he means is love. That’s why he’s the Paladin, I think, instead of any of the other servants of Samothes, and that’s why he’s my husband. We were friends, had become fairly close by then, and he suggested that we should live together, because I didn’t like living alone, and he was always trying to help me.”

“I assumed he was proposing,” she says, “and suddenly I realized that I really wanted to be married to him, and that I had for a while but it had crept up on me because I had already loved him as a friend for so long. Of course, he hadn’t meant it as a proposal even though it really did sound like one, and it took my realization and confession for him to think about how he felt, and realize that we had both fallen in love with each other already but hadn’t noticed.”

She’s laughing again, and this time he’s invited to share the joke. He tries to imagine his parents being that young and clueless, and he can’t. Even when his father isn’t there, even when talking about him makes his mother sad, Benjamin has never doubted that his parents love each other, or that they both love him.

He thanks his mother, hugs her again, and then runs away to find Blue J. He’s been working on a new spell, and he’s finally ready to show it off.

 

\---

 

“I see you’ve been practicing,” Red Jack says, and Blue J. hears the pride in his voice and stands a little straighter before taking their next shot. It’s just one of the practice targets Throndir set up, nothing too impressive, not nearly as cool as what they can do when they’re hunting for real.

Benjamin looks up from his book and claps when the arrow hits the center of the target, and Red Jack chuckles. “I have,” says Blue J., “and Throndir’s been helping me too.”

“You’ve been spending a lot of time training with Throndir,” says Red Jack, and Blue J. looks away from Benjamin very quickly before either of them could start laughing and give away the fact that at least half of the time when Throndir had supposedly been teaching them to shoot, Blue J. and Benjamin had actually been in their hideout, or in the woods, or finding new corners of the university that hadn’t been properly mapped yet. Throndir covered for them sometimes, because he was surprisingly reasonable about things like that. He just nodded, promised to tell Red Jack that Blue J. had been with him the whole time, and didn’t ask too many questions even though he had to know that they were usually either watching Benjamin mess around with increasingly weird magic or working their way through the weed left behind by some of the orcs and halflings who had left. (Never both, though, or at least not at the same time. Benjamin was just as thoughtful and cautious about magic, even strange experimental magic, as he was about everything, and really neither of them wanted to accidentally destroy the university.)

At the very least, Throndir had to know about when Blue J. and Benjamin went through what they called their ‘Samot phase,’ because of some old books they’d found in a restricted part of the library, and then subsequently got caught by Ephrim in the attic wine cellar. Ephrim had just laughed, and for all that he was ‘Lord’ Ephrim and supposedly also a follower of Samothes, he seemed far more amused than even disappointed. He’d also told Benjamin, to both of their surprise, that according to Throndir, Hadrian had once had a Samot phase too. They hadn’t gotten in trouble, not even for taking the wine.

Benjamin had been conflicted about the whole thing, even though he was the one who found the books, because he didn’t like even indirectly disrespecting his father’s faith by worshipping a rival god, but this was also the boy who had been working his way through every book he could find in the ruins of the university library, even the ones in other languages and the ones that dealt with complicated theoretical magic stuff that even the authors didn’t seem to understand. There was no way he wouldn’t be at least a little bit interested in the concept of a god of sharing knowledge.

That was several years ago now, but Blue J. could swear that Ephrim still remembers that and gives them a knowing smirk whenever their paths cross.

“I should go,” Benjamin says, closing his book and standing up. “Mom’s expecting me home soon.” As far as Blue J. knows, Rosana hadn’t actually told Benjamin when to be home, but they appreciate Benjamin trying to give them a chance to have a proper conversation with Red Jack.

Benjamin approaches them first, stepping close to rearrange the chain of flowers that he had looped around Blue J.’s horns earlier. They’re the new kind of flowers, bright and strange, growing faster than any plant ought to grow, but Blue J. likes them. They’re beautiful, and so alive in a way that hardly anything else is. In a way that reminds them of possibility, of danger, of how they feel when they’re with Benjamin. They’re young and wild and strange, too, with Benjamin’s magic, and Blue J.’s skills, and both of them hungry for something more.

Benjamin pauses for a moment, face close enough that Blue J. can see the smudges on his glasses, could count his eyelashes, and Blue J. thinks he’s going to say something else but instead he squeezes their shoulder and steps away and says, “See you tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow,” Blue J. echoes, and watches him walk away.

“So,” Red Jack says, once the clearing falls silent again. Benjamin is good at many things, but moving quietly through the woods is not one of them. “How’ve you been? I feel like I hardly see you anymore.”

“You’ve been away too,” Blue J. points out, but Red Jack isn’t exactly wrong. They have been spending more time apart from Red Jack and their siblings, more time with Benjamin and Throndir. Blue J. wonders if that’s why they’re not as much like Red Jack as they always assumed they would be someday.

“You’ve grown up,” says Red Jack, a little sadly, “while I wasn’t looking. But I can see that Throndir had a hand in raising you, too.”

“Do you think it’ll be enough?” Blue J. says. “That I’m different enough, that I’m kind of Throndir’s child, too?” They’re not supposed to know yet, what’s going to happen when they get older, and part of them wishes they still didn't. Part of them is glad, though, because maybe now that they know they can figure out a way around it. Maybe Benjamin can figure something out. Maybe there's something in one of the old books in this place that will help. Blue J. used to think that their dad had all the answers, but on this particular topic they want to find an answer of their own.

“Either way, I’m proud to be your father,” Red Jack says. “Well, one of your fathers, I guess.” He puts a hand on Blue J.’s shoulder, and they stand in silence for a moment. “I’m glad he’s been a part of your life.”

“Do you really wanna talk about me,” says Blue J., to break the tension, because they’ve had their serious moment and they want to make their dad laugh again before he notices the tears in their eyes, “or did you just want to talk about Throndir?”

“I don’t talk about him that much,” Red Jack said, frowning.

“Yeah, you really do.”

Red Jack does laugh at that, finally. “Fine, maybe I do,” he says. “Would you rather talk about Benjamin instead? Since he’s all you ever seem to talk about these day.”

“What do you mean?” Blue J. says. “He’s my best friend, and he’s doing some really amazing stuff. Of course I like to talk about him. Someone has to make sure people appreciate him, and he doesn’t show off enough for most people to notice.”

“Yeah,” says Red Jack, “and I see the look on your face when he’s around, and the way your eyes light up when you talk about him.”

“We’re best friends,” Blue J. says, because that’s probably all it is, right? “He gets the same way when he talks about me.”

Red Jack just hums and pats their shoulder, and then says, “Then I am glad you two have found each other.”

 

\---

 

Benjamin knows that Blue J. is out hunting today, knows because Blue J. specifically told him that so that he wouldn’t worry when they didn’t show up at breakfast, but he still hesitates before going to find Throndir, because what if they’re with Throndir after all and how can he talk about Blue J. with Blue J. there?

He feels bad, having this conversation with Blue J.’s mentor, but who else can he talk to? His mother almost definitely knows more about romance than Throndir does, but she doesn’t know Blue J. very well at all, so he’s not sure how much she could help in this specific case. Her advice would probably be to just talk to them, which might be good advice but it’s not what Benjamin wants to hear right now.

Also, something inside him curls up in embarrassment at the thought of telling his mother that he has a crush.

He knocks on Throndir’s door, and Throndir answers with, “Back already, Blue-” before the door fully opens and he sees Benjamin there instead. “Oh. Hey, Benjamin, what’s going on? Does Rosana need something?”

Even though he came all the way here specifically to have this conversation, he still considers lying, considers telling Throndir that actually yes, his mother wants to talk to him about the food supplies for the upcoming High Sun Day celebration. It won’t be as elaborate as the ones back in Velas, but his mother has actually been talking about asking Throndir if they can’t get some goose nog at least, so it wouldn’t even really be a lie.

“Can I ask you something?” he says instead.

“Sure,” Throndir says. “I was just about to take Kodiak for a walk, do you want to join me?”

As if summoned by the sound of his name, Kodiak joins Throndir in the doorway, giving Benjamin his usual slobbery greeting. Benjamin scratches him behind the ears and lets Kodiak nose around at his pockets for treats that he forgot to bring.

It’s a nice day out, warmer than Benjamin is used to, but then again he’d gotten used to constant winter and darkness so that isn’t really saying much, and the snow is almost entirely melted, leaving the university campus dotted with patches of mud that Kodiak almost immediately runs through. Throndir makes a half-hearted attempt to scold him and then sighs, as if resigning himself to an afternoon of attempting to give Kodiak a bath.

Benjamin waits until there’s no one else around to overhear, especially Rix and Ro and the other younger kids, because the only thing they love more than playing pranks is other people’s secret, and then he says, “I think I have feelings.”

“Well, I hope so,” says Throndir, a note of amusement in his voice, “otherwise I would be a bit concerned.” Benjamin regrets this conversation more with every passing second.

“Feelings for someone,” he says. “I think. Probably. Definitely.”

“Okay?” Throndir says. “So what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know,” Benjamin says. “That’s why I’m asking for advice.”

“Have you asked your mother?” Throndir says.

“Kind of,” Benjamin says, remembering asking her about love when he was thirteen and didn’t understand her answer. And now he’s nineteen and in love with his best friend and he thinks that maybe he does understand, and that he always has, even back then. That he’s always loved Blue J., as long as they’ve known each other, and somewhere along the way he started wanting to kiss them too. “But I still don’t know what to do, and I don’t have anyone else to ask.”

There’s a space in this conversation, like in Benjamin’s life, where his father should be, and he knows that Throndir feels it too, can see on Throndir’s face the realization that he’s become not quite a father to Benjamin, but an uncle, maybe, or an older brother. Someone responsible. He sees it in the way Throndir straightens up, makes his expression a little more serious. “Okay,” Throndir says. “So what’s the question?”

As if he can pick just one question. As if he hasn’t been worrying about this ever since it occurred to him that there might be something to worry about.

He’s nervously fidgeting with the friendship bracelet Blue J. made for him, and forces himself to stop being he breaks it, because that would sure be some symbolism he doesn’t want to consider. It’s faded and fraying by now anyway, but when he and Blue J. had made them for each other, the colors had been rich and bright, shockingly bright considering they’d found the thread with a pile of fabric scraps that had likely been there since before the university fell. He suspects there had been some kind of magic in some of the storage rooms, keeping their contents from decaying too much, but he hasn’t been able to figure out the spell. Some of the stuff they’d found that day had been useful, and they’d given it over to Rosana and Throndir, but they’d collected the stray pieces of embroidery thread, too short to mend anything with, just to make something nice for each other for once.

“What if something goes wrong?” he says finally.

Throndir sighs and says, “I guess I can’t tell you for sure that everything will be fine. But you won’t know unless you try. Who is this person?”

But Benjamin just shakes his head, even though he’s pretty sure Throndir could figure it out. He and Blue J. have been inseparable for years, and if it was anyone else that Benjamin liked, he would probably just be talking it over with them instead. “I don’t want to mess up what I already have with them.”

“Okay,” Throndir says. “I can tell you from experience that this kind of thing doesn’t always go as well as you want it to. But you clearly care about this person, and if they care about you, even if they don’t feel the exact same way, you can still keep your friendship. You’ll just have to figure it out together.” He smiles then, and says, “If I’m guessing right, though, I think you have a better chance than you think you have.”

Benjamin flushes, because of course Throndir guessed, and thinks his words over for a moment. His advice is basically the same as Rosana’s probably would be, which just confirms what Benjamin already knew, which is that if he feels so strongly about this he needs to talk to Blue J. instead of looking for people to either talk him out of him or tell him for sure that it won’t make things weird between them. Throndir is right, though. Benjamin knows he and Blue J. care about each other, and he trusts them with everything else so he can trust them with this, can trust that whatever shape it takes, they have a future together. They are the ranger and the magician, best friends and partners-in-mischief, and Benjamin is going to tell them how he feels and they can figure it out together.

 

\---

 

Blue J. gets back from the woods and goes immediately to find Throndir. They didn’t catch very much today, but they’re not sure if it’s because there wasn’t anything to catch, or because they were only half paying attention and lost in their own thoughts. Really, what they want to do is talk to Benjamin, but they’re not sure they should, because they do want him to know how they feel, out of a sense of honesty and also just in case he likes them back, but they don’t want anything to change too much. They're happy with the way things are. They would just also be happy with a little more.

Blue J. knows their lives are changing, with Benjamin’s dad returning soon, and the plants that are overgrowing the university, and the more general awareness that they’re growing up, that they're not really ready to be all grown up yet. It’s already weird, how much more people listen to them now, even though mostly what they’ve been saying and doing is what they’ve done and said (or at least tried to) all along. And then there’s the Heat and the Dark, but they’ve been living in the shadow of that for so long that it feels almost normal. They’ve always known that they might not have much of a future. Except now a future is kind of maybe here, and Blue J. doesn’t really know what they want from it besides what they’ve always wanted: to protect people, to be the Ranger, to stay with Benjamin.

Throndir is in the clearing where they’ve been practicing shooting, Throndir with his gun and Blue J. with their bow. It took them a while, to stop thinking about it as Throndir’s bow, and them just borrowing it. But they were a ranger now, for real, and Throndir and Red Jack and Benjamin all called them the ranger and meant it.

Throndir is sitting on a log at the edge of the clearing, Kodiak sprawled out next to him in a patch of afternoon sunlight, cleaning up his gun to put it away like he’s just finished target practice. Kodiak hears them coming first, letting out a soft _boof_ to get Throndir’s attention before bounding over to greet them.

Blue J. lets Kodiak jump up on them, even though he’s big enough that he can knock them over, even with how much taller they’ve grown recently. The fox on their shoulders looks down at Kodiak disapprovingly, the leaves along its spine ruffled like cat who’s spooked but doesn’t want to show it. Blue J. scratches under its chin, so that it doesn’t get too jealous that they’re paying attention to Kodiak, who sniffs at the fox a few times and then goes back to begging Blue J. to pet him more.

“Kodiak,” Throndir says, “give the kid some space.” And Kodiak backs up just enough that Blue J. can walk the rest of the way and sit on the log beside Throndir. Kodiak rests his enormous head in their lap and whines until Blue J. resumes petting him.

“Can I talk to you about something?” Blue J. says. “It’s not really a big deal, don’t worry, I just wanted to get some advice.”

“Yeah, go for it,” says Throndir, setting down his gun. “Shoot.” He laughs at his own joke, and Blue J. rolls their eyes.

“Have you ever been in love?”

“I mean, I guess,” Throndir says slowly. “Why do you ask?”

“It’s just that I think I’m in love with someone,” says Blue J., “and I don’t know what to do. I mean, I think I know what to do but I’m kind of scared, and I don’t want to mess this up.” They sigh, and the fox nuzzles their cheek comfortingly. “Wait, what do you mean, you guess you’ve been in love? What happened?”

“Not much, honestly,” Throndir says. “Sorry, I’m not really the best role model for telling people how you feel.”

“Who were they?” Blue J. says, even though they’re pretty sure they know the answer. They didn’t get to be the ranger by being unobservant, and Throndir and Red Jack haven’t exactly been subtle with the awkward way they keep circling around each other, or the wistful way Red Jack gets when he says that Throndir is kind of also their dad, like he wishes they really had raised them together. Throndir looks away, not meeting their eyes, scratches his neck uncomfortably, and doesn’t answer. “Come on,” they say. “You tell me about them, and I’ll tell you who I’m talking about.” It’s the kind of deal they would offer to Rix and Ro, to get them to stop bothering them, and they don’t expect it to work with Throndir.

But Throndir says,” Okay, fine. You got me." He pauses just long enough that Blue J. thinks he's going to back out, before he says, reluctantly, "It’s your dad.”

“Knew it!” says Blue J., enthusiastically enough to startle the fox on their shoulder, who nips at their ear before settling back down. “You should really take your own advice, then. Talk to him.”

“Sure, kid, whatever you say,” Throndir says unconvincingly. “So?”

“So what?”

“So are you gonna tell me who this is all about?”

“You can probably guess,” they say. “And he’s my best friend and I love being his best friend and I want us to keep being best friends but also…” Their voice trails off, and they refocus all of their attention on petting Kodiak to avoid finishing the sentence.

“You don’t want to wreck your friendship but you also want to be dating him?” Throndir says, and then he laughs.

“Hey, what’s so funny about that?”

“Nothing, really,” Throndir says, “it’s just that I had pretty much this exact same conversation with Benjamin this morning.”

“Really?” Blue J. says, and the fox lifts its head up to look at Throndir curiously, as if to repeat their question. “You’re serious? You’re not just messing with me?”

“I’m serious,” Throndir says. Kodiak gives a soft little bark as if to say, _yeah, he’s serious_ , which means Blue J. believes him, because Throndir wouldn’t lie about something like this, but Kodiak wouldn’t lie about anything. Except maybe when he’s acting like no one has paid attention to him all day when Blue J. knows perfectly well Throndir takes him everywhere and most of the children can’t see him walk past without wanting to give him a treat.

“Oh,” Blue J. says, because somehow they didn’t see this one coming, even though, in retrospect, it probably should've been obvious. “Wow.”

“What are you still doing here, then?” Throndir says, waving his hands to usher Blue J. away.

“Oh,” Blue J. says again, jumping to their feet. Kodiak shifts his weight just enough to let them stand before settling back down. “Right.” They’re halfway across the clearing before they turn back and call to Throndir, “Remember, you also gotta talk to my dad.”

“Yeah, sure,” Throndir says, a little more convincingly this time, feeding Kodiak a treat. “Tell Benjamin I said hi.”

 

\---

 

Benjamin just decided that he should go looking for Blue J. when he runs into them just outside the garden. Literally runs into them, or maybe Blue J. is the one who ran into him, actually, because they’re the one panting like they were just running for their life, and Benjamin had just turned a corner and there they were, out of breath, hair wild, the flower fox clinging to their shoulder with its sharp claws out, their hands on Benjamin’s arms to steady him and stop him from falling after they collided.

“Hey, Blue,” Benjamin says.

“Hey,” says Blue J., their cheeks flushed a darker blue.

“So there’s something I want to tell you,” he says, at the same time as Blue J. says, “I wanted to tell you something.”

“Oh,’ Benjamin says. “You first?” He’s suddenly very aware that Blue J. is still holding him, or maybe he’s the one who hasn’t stepped away. But Blue J.’s hands are warm and solid, and there’s a light like hope shining in their eyes.

“So I talked to Throndir,” they say, “and he said… No, that’s not the point. The point is, you’re my best friend, and I love you, but also I think I’m probably in love with you.” They frown slightly, and then say, “Maybe that’s moving too fast? But it’s not the first time we’ve said it, and it’s true.” It’s not the first time, or the second, or any number that Benjamin can count because they’ve said it to each other so many times, a casual _love you too_ thrown over the shoulder as a good-bye, a _wow, I love you so much_ , breathless with laughter at something ridiculous or impressive or some combination of the two that the other had done. They've said it so many times, been a two person unit for so long, Blue J.-and-Benjamin, Benjamin-and-Blue J., and that’s not going to change just because the word love means something slightly different.

Benjamin reaches up to rest his hand on Blue J.’s face, and they lean into the contact, their eyelids fluttering closed. “Yeah, me too,” he says. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, but I’ve been so worried about messing it up.”

Blue J. touches their forehead to his. “Benjamin,” they say, very seriously looking into his eyes, but it’s too much like a staring contest and Benjamin can’t help but laugh, and then Blue J. is laughing, even as they manage to say, “We’ve been really silly about this whole thing, haven’t we?”

“Yeah, kind of,” Benjamin says. He thinks about how many years they’ve spent together, chasing each other through the woods and staying out late enough that his mother worried and went looking for them, the way Blue J. had looked at him the first time he’d gotten his light spell to work, like he’d hung the sun in the sky. He thinks about holding Blue J. while they cried, the day they found out what it meant to be Red Jack’s child, and about bandaging their hands and wishing he knew any healing spells when they’d practiced with their bow until their fingers bled. He thinks about being cold and scared, in the earlier days of winter, because even if the cold and the hunger didn’t kill them all, the Heat and the Dark would, and how Blue J. had looked thoughtful, and a few days later presented Benjamin with a pair of slightly lopsided fur mittens and said, _I can’t really do anything about the future or the Heat and the Dark, but your hands are warm right now, and that means something, right?_

He thinks about the day, right when it was starting to warm up, when grass and wildflowers and the even wilder weird magic flowers had finally grown in on the lawn of the university, and they’d taken the afternoon off from anything more serious to just lay there in the sun and throw handfuls of grass at each other, and Benjamin had looked over at Blue J. as the lighting on them was just right and they were smiling fondly at him and he thought, _oh_ , and, _so this is how you know_. “But we got here eventually.” He takes Blue J.’s hand, stays silent for a moment just memorizing how it feels, the callouses on Blue J.’s palm, how well their fingers fit together. “So what now?”

“I think,” Blue J. says, “I’d like to kiss you now.” Benjamin tips his face up instead of answering, and Blue J. kisses him. It’s awkward and uncertain and a bit of a mess. Blue J.’s teeth scrape against his lips, and he can’t figure out what to do with his hands, and when they break apart his glasses are crooked but they’re both laughing, and if he’d had any doubt left before, it’s all melted away now. So he takes his glasses off and leans up to kiss them again.

 

**Author's Note:**

> title is from youth by troye sivan  
> come say hi on twitter @s_artemisios if you also love these good good kids with your entire heart


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